like second nature

I spent three hours today mulling over the 'ED Affirmation' my psychiatrist has asked me to write. I am supposed to separate myself in two - the 'disordered' me, and the 'actual' me, and have a 'conversation' with my disordered self, asserting why I am separate and why my disorder is of no use to me anymore, so I should abandon it. I think I might post it in a separate text post...I do mean every last word of it...well, I did while I was writing it. And I do mean it while I am reading it, and for some time after. But once it's left my immediate mind, I don't mean it anymore.
That's the part I'm not telling Joan (psychiatrist). That's the part I'm not telling anyone. The part where Yesterday I only ate 450 calories, and burned off 500. Even though for the 7 days prior I had eaten over 2000. Fuck me, why can't I be consistent? Or, really, fuck my eating disorder; why can't he be consistent (Joan says he's a he, and has a name, - 'Ed')
Well, if you're going to insist on sticking around, Ed, then why the hell can't you be of some use to me? Why can't you make me restrict for a change, like you used to, rather than stuffing myself and then forcing me to spend the next hour heaving in the shower? And if you're not going to allow me to talk about you completely openly to Joan, then why can't we work together for a change? Give me a reason to keep protecting you, or I'm giving you up.

I am giving myself a week. A week to not go to extremes, to keep moderate. I am not going to let Ed take control, but then again...I am not going to let him go, either. Starting today, I am no longer a binge monster. I am going to be clean and free. I have a plan, and I will post that later too, I think... but for now, I'm going for another run.

Sooner or later a healthy lifestyle will be like second nature, and that is what I am for.