the significance of may

During the month of May last year quite a few things happened. I did quite a few things. The 'anniversaries' (for lack of a better word) of these things haven't been easy to deal with. Around this time last year was when my close friend attacked me. Around this time last year was when my sister spent days in intensive care after nearly dying in a car accident. Around this time last year was when I fell off the deep end. Around this time last year was when I fell off the planet. Or at least, tried very hard to.

But alas, I'm here. And it's an unnerving thought that if I'd have had my way this time last year, I would be. Hmm. I thought I would be much further along in my recovery by now. But, alas, here I am. Still huge. Still sad. Still not finishing the things I start. Still self sabotaging. Still self loathing. And still, I'm a million times better than I was. My mind right now is a far, far nicer place to be than it was twelve months ago. I don't want to give up on myself anymore.
I'm still determined to keep forging forward, no matter how slow. 'It does not matter how slow you go, so long as you do not stop' as they say.

Ironically, I ended up in hospital again this May - but not for even a remotely similar reason to last years visit. This time it wasn't intentional... I was very very ill and was taken to emergency due to a raging temperature and delirium.  Turns out I had viral meningitis. (Lumbar punctures are painful, by the way) Let that sickness add to the suckiness of the infamous month of May and needless to say it has been a horrendous few weeks. And, there's still a week left. I'm just going to have to put my head down and get it over and done with. I don't think I'll ever like May, and I suppose that's something I'm going to have to deal with. But I can make myself really love June, and have June's triumphs cancel out all of May's downfalls.

I look forward to June.